Reviewing parenting arrangements through a neurodivergent lens
Recently, I attended a workshop presented by Dr Dawn Adams, whose research focuses on autism, neurodivergence, mental health and wellbeing. I came away with plenty to think about, but there was one question that particularly stayed with me.
What are we actually asking this child to manage?
It's a question I've been thinking about in the context of parenting arrangements after separation. We spend a lot of time discussing where children will live, how much time they'll spend with each parent and how changeovers will work. But how often do we stop to consider what those arrangements actually feel like for the child living them?
Looking at Parenting Arrangements Through a Child's Eyes
When parents are working out arrangements, it's understandable that conversations turn to work schedules, school commitments, travel and what feels fair to each parent. These things matter, but they don't necessarily tell us whether an arrangement will work well for a particular child.
Think about what moving between two homes can involve. Different routines, expectations, noise levels and sleeping environments. Remembering what needs to go in the schoolbag, keeping track of belongings and adjusting to the emotions that can come with moving between households.
For some children, those transitions are relatively straightforward. For others, they can be exhausting.
This can be particularly relevant for neurodivergent children who find changes in routine difficult, experience sensory sensitivities or need more time to prepare for transitions. What looks like an ordinary changeover to an adult may require considerable effort from the child.
But a child doesn't need a diagnosis for an arrangement to feel overwhelming. Their age, temperament, experiences of separation and individual needs all matter.
Rather than starting with what looks balanced on a calendar, perhaps we should spend more time asking how the child is actually managing.
What the SPELL Framework Made Me Think About
One of the frameworks discussed at the workshop was SPELL, developed by the National Autistic Society to support autistic people. It stands for Structure, Positive Approaches, Empathy, Low Arousal and Links.
Although it wasn't developed specifically for parenting arrangements, I found myself thinking about how useful these principles could be when considering what children need.
Structure: Does the child know what to expect? Are routines predictable enough to help them feel settled across both homes?
Positive Approaches: What's already working well for this child, and how can parents build on that rather than focusing entirely on what's going wrong?
Empathy: If a child becomes distressed before changeover, can we look beyond the behaviour and consider what they might be finding difficult?
Low Arousal: Are changeovers and daily routines designed to reduce unnecessary stress, sensory overload or emotional pressure?
Links: Are the child's important relationships and supports being maintained, including friendships, extended family, teachers and therapists?
What I like about SPELL is that it encourages us to look beyond the parenting timetable and think about the child's everyday experience. While developed for supporting autistic people, these questions can also prompt useful reflection about other children's individual needs.
Parenting Plans Need to Work for the People Living Them
Something else I took from the workshop was the importance of recognising that parents also process information, manage change and respond to stress differently.
Some parents prefer detailed arrangements with very little uncertainty. Others find overly prescriptive plans difficult and need more flexibility. Some communicate better in writing, while others need additional time to process information before making decisions.
These differences don't necessarily make someone a better or worse parent, but they can affect how well arrangements work in practice. For example, a parenting plan that says parents will agree on changes as needed might work perfectly well for one family. For another, that same wording could lead to repeated disagreements because the parents have very different expectations about what flexibility means.
And for a child who relies heavily on predictable routines, the detail of a parenting plan may be particularly important. Changeover arrangements, preparation for transitions, sleep routines, therapy appointments and how unexpected changes are managed can all make a difference.
Not every family needs a lengthy parenting plan. The important thing is having enough clarity and flexibility to meet the child's needs and support the parents in putting the arrangements into practice.
Making Space for These Conversations
This is one of the reasons I value family dispute resolution when it's appropriate for the family. It can provide an opportunity to move beyond discussions about days and times and consider how proposed arrangements might actually work for the child.
How are they managing changeovers? Are there routines that help them settle? Do the parents understand their child's needs in the same way?
The process itself may also need to be adapted for neurodivergent participants. Additional processing time, written information, consideration of sensory needs and adjustments to session structure can help people participate more meaningfully. Of course, family dispute resolution isn't appropriate in every situation. Safety concerns, family violence, coercive control and other relevant circumstances must be assessed, and some families may need different professional support or court intervention.
But whatever process a family uses, I think the underlying question remains important.
What Can This Child Realistically Carry?
There's no single parenting arrangement that works for every family, or even for every child within the same family. What suits a child at five may not suit them at ten, and what works for one sibling may be difficult for another.
I think we need to remain curious about how children are actually experiencing their arrangements and be willing to reconsider things when they're not working. Because an arrangement can look perfectly balanced on a calendar and still be exhausting for the child moving between the two homes.
Perhaps one of the most useful questions we can ask isn't simply whether the arrangement is fair, but what we're asking this particular child to manage.
Let's Talk
If you're working through parenting arrangements and want to consider how they might work for your child's individual needs, family dispute resolution may provide an opportunity to explore those questions where the process is safe and suitable.
At Resolve Well, I approach family dispute resolution with curiosity, kindness and empathy, while keeping children's needs, safety and practical outcomes at the centre of the process. If you'd like to explore whether family dispute resolution is appropriate for your family, book a free discovery call.
When it matters to you, resolve it well.