What Your Kids Actually Need From You Right Now
Separation is one of the hardest things a family can go through. But the research is clear about what makes the biggest difference for children — and much of it is within your control right now, regardless of where things stand legally or practically.
In Part 1 of this series, we looked at what the research tells us about how children are affected by parental separation. The reassuring finding was this: it is not the separation itself, but the conflict and instability around it, that most strongly shapes children's outcomes.
So what does that mean practically? What do children actually need from their parents during this time?
What Children Tell Us They Need
Research conducted by the Australian Institute of Family Studies involved interviews with children and young people aged 10 to 17 from separated families. When asked what they most needed during and after their parents' separation, their answers were consistent:
To have their feelings heard and acknowledged, not dismissed or minimised
To not be used as messengers between parents
To not be put in the middle of disputes or asked to take sides
To have predictable, stable routines they could rely on
To maintain meaningful relationships with both parents, where it was safe to do so
To not feel responsible for what had happened or for how their parents were coping
These are not complicated asks. But in the fog of separation, they are easy to lose sight of.
Routine Is More Important Than You Realise
Research consistently identifies routine as one of the most protective factors for children during separation. Bedtimes, mealtimes, school pickups, weekend activities. These seemingly small things send children a powerful message: some things are still the same. You are still safe.
Where possible, maintaining consistency across both households makes an enormous difference. This does not require parents to agree on everything. But alignment on the basics — things like bedtimes, homework expectations, screen time and diet — gives children a sense of coherent, continuous care rather than two completely different worlds they have to switch between.
What the New Family Law Actually Requires
The 2024 reforms to the Family Law Act strengthened the legal framework around children's best interests significantly. The Court must now consider a focused set of factors when making parenting orders:
Safety: protecting the child from family violence, abuse, neglect, or harm
Each parent's capacity to meet the child's developmental, psychological, emotional and cultural needs
The benefit of relationships with both parents and other significant people, where it is safe
The child's own views, particularly for older children
Any history of family violence or abuse
Critically, the presumption of equal shared parental responsibility has been removed. The law now focuses entirely on what is right for this child, in this family. Not a one-size-fits-all formula. This opens the door to parenting arrangements that are genuinely flexible and tailored to your children's actual needs and your family's circumstances.
The Co-Parenting Relationship Is Everything
You do not need to like your former partner. You do not need to be friends. But the research is unambiguous: it is the quality of the co-parenting relationship, not the specific time split, that most strongly predicts how children fare.
hildren in arrangements where parents communicate cooperatively, even imperfectly, consistently show better outcomes than children in high-conflict situations where one parent has more time but both parents remain at war.
Where direct communication is not safe or workable, structured parallel parenting; where parents disengage from each other but remain child-focused — can be equally effective. The goal in either case is the same: shielding children from adult conflict.
Practically, this means:
Communicating about the children in whatever way is safe and workable; whether directly or through structured methods like a parenting app — but never through the children themselves
Speaking about the other parent neutrally in front of the children
Making decisions about schooling, health, and activities based on the children's needs, not the dispute
Giving children permission, explicit or implicit, to love both of their parents
What You Can Do Today
You do not need a formal arrangement in place to start doing the things that help children most. Right now, today, you can:
Tell your children that what has happened is not their fault, and that both parents love them
Keep their routine as consistent as possible
Resist the urge to vent about your former partner within earshot of the children
Let them know what to expect in the coming days and weeks, even if longer-term plans are not settled yet
Small things. But they matter more than almost anything else you could do right now.
This article draws on research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies and peer-reviewed studies on post-separation outcomes for children in Australia. It is general information only and does not constitute legal or psychological advice.